+ i'm a one woman show! +

lately i've been telling certain people that i am a one woman show.
i've always laughed at my own jokes -- i'm not gonna lie -- i think i can be pretty damn funny sometimes.
but, maybe i'm laughing because no one else is.
aww.

i also think mcsweeney's is awesome.
and wonderful.
and fantastic.

from time to time i go to their little website to check on the status of brian beatty's joke section.
after awhile, i started saving some that i enjoyed.

i figured i should maybe post them here.
just in case i want to look back in a year or so, and realize how amazingly cool i am for keeping them.
so i won't be the only one making myself chuckle.

here they are:

LIKE MAGIC.
Everything about every woman I've ever dated has been like magic: fake and boring.

YES MAN.
The worst job I ever had was answering phones on a suicide-prevention hotline. I found out right away that I'm not good at telling people no.

NOT BRIGHT.
My goal in life is to be like a ray of sunshine—so radioactive that I kill idiots who get too close.

UNCLASSIFIED.
Lots of couples meet through the personal ads. I think there should be impersonal ads for people who want to end existing relationships. The reading would be so much more interesting.

AIR CONDITIONING.
People who hang out in those New Age oxygen bars are called airheads for a reason. I snuck in a flask of hydrogen and sat there all night mixing shots of water.

ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS
ANONYMOUS.
I'm founding a 12-step program for people who drink until they forget their names.

MY METHOD.
Every job is an acting job if you're expected to act like you give a shit.


don't even try to tell me those weren't funny.