+ bullet flowers. and what it is to be alone +

I haven’t taken a Friday night for myself in some time.
Months.
Many of them.
I sometimes forget how nice and calming it is to open my door, set my things down, lay on my bed, and soak into just sitting with myself.
For years, the only thing I ever really wanted to do was be on my own.
I lost touch with everyone, and wasn’t on a quest to get them back.
The things we do to ourselves – the critiques and the rants and the dumbing down of things; the perpetual vices and having-to-haves of being a human.
Original sin doesn’t have to be so bad.
It’s really ok; we don’t have to go on fighting ourselves.

I didn’t want to know anybody.
And I didn’t even want to be anybody.
I knew I yearned for better days, but was in a state of daily combat so intensely, that saying “I quit,” and losing my breath, was so much more appealing than actual survival.

And then I came through.

Things can’t ever be what we want them to be.
All the time, at least.
I’m trying to give myself the moments where they do...work. out.
Always unexpected.
And it doesn’t really matter if you don’t see the sun shine through just at first.
It could be that you just don’t want to see it – so you won’t.

Sometimes I hate admitting that the people I know in my life, are without a doubt, irrefutably molding me into these fingers and limbs, and other things.
But,
Everywhere I look, every single thing I see and have and touch reminds me of one person or another.
I guess that’s why I keep all of this shit around.

What I’m discovering is this:
I don’t need all these things.
I don’t need anyone around all the time.
I don’t need to wonder what someone else is thinking, about me or otherwise.
I don’t need to label myself a devil, when a time or two, the angel in me just won’t cease.
I need to lift this vessel I have.
Even if I despise it for some moment, every day;
And know that I’m not going to let myself out of it just now.
Just this yet.
This body.
My mind,
Too too too too too much thinking
All of the time.

But, it’s good.
For tonight.