+ fantasies +

someday
on these keys
the love
will melt
and bring forth
pure
joy.

+ + + + + + + +

remembrance // balmorhea // all is wild, all is silent from jared hogan on Vimeo.

and, this...
just another
dream.

+ there was nothing left +

...And
We were afraid
Then
That
All throughout our lives
Things like that
Would happen,
That nobody
Wanted
Anybody
To be
Strong, and
Beautiful
Like that,
That
Others would never
Allow it,
And that
Many people
Would have to
Die.

+ "Standing by herself on the air." +

"I saw Margaret climbing an apple tree beside her shack. She was crying and had a scarf knotted around her neck. She took the loose end of the scarf and tied it to a branch covered with young apples. She stepped off the branch and then she was standing by herself on the air."

+ + + + + +

Richard Brautigan, "In Watermelon Sugar"

+ born into this.... +

Born like this
Into this
As the chalk faces smile
As Mrs. Death laughs
As the elevators break
As political landscapes dissolve
As the supermarket bag boy holds a college degree
As the oily fish spit out their oily prey
As the sun is masked
We are
Born like this
Into this
Into these carefully mad wars
Into the sight of broken factory windows of emptiness
Into bars where people no longer speak to each other
Into fist fights that end as shootings and knifings
Born into this
Into hospitals which are so expensive that it's cheaper to die
Into lawyers who charge so much it's cheaper to plead guilty
Into a country where the jails are full and the madhouses closed
Into a place where the masses elevate fools into rich heroes
Born into this
Walking and living through this
Dying because of this
Muted because of this
Castrated
Debauched
Disinherited
Because of this
Fooled by this
Used by this
Pissed on by this
Made crazy and sick by this
Made violent
Made inhuman
By this
The heart is blackened
The fingers reach for the throat
The gun
The knife
The bomb
The fingers reach toward an unresponsive god
The fingers reach for the bottle
The pill
The powder
We are born into this sorrowful deadliness
We are born into a government 60 years in debt
That soon will be unable to even pay the interest on that debt
And the banks will burn
Money will be useless
There will be open and unpunished murder in the streets
It will be guns and roving mobs
Land will be useless
Food will become a diminishing return
Nuclear power will be taken over by the many
Explosions will continually shake the earth
Radiated robot men will stalk each other
The rich and the chosen will watch from space platforms
Dante's Inferno will be made to look like a children's playground
The sun will not be seen and it will always be night
Trees will die
All vegetation will die
Radiated men will eat the flesh of radiated men
The sea will be poisoned
The lakes and rivers will vanish
Rain will be the new gold
The rotting bodies of men and animals will stink in the dark wind
The last few survivors will be overtaken by new and hideous diseases
And the space platforms will be destroyed by attrition
The petering out of supplies
The natural effect of general decay
And there will be the most beautiful silence never heard
Born out of that.
The sun still hidden there
Awaiting the next chapter.

+ + + + + + + + +

Charles Bukowski, "Dinosauria, We"

+ i wish i were with you +

+ i'm in need of passion +

please help.

+ "in another life, when we are both cats" +

my story is thick,
and it is rich.
there have been loves lasted
and loves lost.
but, in the end
all there ever
is and was and will be is

myself.

i was dreaming of the past
and it had been so long
since i had seen you
smile.

the words,
they are here.
they are
swelling.
they are
pulsing.
they are
beating themselves
out of
me.
missiles of molten
stories,
layered like cakes
of lamb light sugar
swept up
and down again.

there is
always
a future.

even after i have
felt
my last lives
smoke their ways
out of my open nostrils.
devils come to
take the
little girl
away!

i have
seen
the afterlife.
i'm telling you,
i
saw
it.

and my days to follow were never so gloomy.
and OH,
you should see the smile on my face.

+ + + + + +

i am listening to:

St Apollonia - Beirut

Jealous Guy - Stevie Wonder

Rabid Bits Of Time - Chad VanGaalen

+ sea of tears +

i love it when i copy down lyrics from the radio, save them in my phone, and look them up MONTHS later to discover that i've been missing out on such fucking beautiful music.

+ When You're Strange +

+ it's time to begin a new chapter +

all i have
is myself.

i need to
count on
me
more often.

it's time.
it's
time.
time.
time.

+ + + + + + + + + +

“You need not leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. You need not even listen, simply wait. You need not even wait, just learn to become quiet, and still, and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked. It has no choice; it will roll in ecstasy at your feet.”

Franz Kafka

+ FIREWORKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! +

Now it's day and I've been trying to get that taste off my tongue
I was dreaming of just you, now our cereal, it is warm
Attractive day in the rubble of the night from before
Now I can't walk in a vacuum, I feel ugly, feel my pores
It's the trees of this day that I do battle with for the light
Then I start to feel tragic, people greet me, I'm polite
"What's the day?" "Whats you doing?"
"How's your mood?" "How's that song?"
Man it passes right by me, it's behind me, now it's gone
And I can't lift you up cause my mind is tired
It's family beaches that I desire
A sacred night, where we'll watch the fireworks
The frightened babies poo
They've got two flashing eyes and they're colored why
They make me feel that I'm only all I see sometimes

I've been eating with a good friend who said
"A Genii made me out of the earth's skin"
But in spite of her she is my birth kin, she spits me out in her surly blood rivers
All the people life lurking in dominions of a hot Turk dish
If the elephants be reaching for our purses, then meet me after the world with the shivers

"What's the day?" "Whats you doing?"
"How's your food?" "How's that song?"
Man it passes right by me it's behind me, now it's gone
I can't lift you up cause my mind is tired, it's family beaches that I desire
That sacred night where we watched the fireworks
They frightened the babies and you know they've got two flashing eyes
And if they are color blind, they make me feel, that you're only what I see sometimes

+ i'm just the same as everyone else +

+ + + + + + + +

i'm also quite pleasantly surprised with this...

Fanfarlo & First Aid Kit - This Is The Way (Devendra Banhart) from RADAR MAKER on Vimeo.

+ white lips kissed +

I won't cry when the silver lining shows/
But you're right/
You understand/
You ride with both hands/
Worrying is the breathing that you need/
So there won't be far to fall/
You mustn't climb tall/

+ 10:14pm +

Black rebel suns rise in eastern promise of something better.
And the hours pass, as aliens quest over, filled so right, to the brim of thought…
You know them – the torrid ones, so feeble and kingly.
The “them’s” whom you never thought could invade you the way that they do.
It’s unidentifiable the way that they so meander inside.
Feeding and bleeding and drinking and cutting and vice-ing and loving.
“Love is lust, and that is a dangerous desire.”
All these things and more; transforming your speckled thoughts into profound glances – foresight within the world’s inner core of magnificence and disgust.

She came to you as a soiled child.
One who believed this place was Good.
Or that it at least could be.
Each of us, fools we are.
How can we not be?
How would we ever survive otherwise?


It is better not to then.
Fumble and fall and dig those tulip shells soft like lightning rain;
And whisper the words that haunt you in the darkness.
If you scream them, no one can hear you….maybe they just won’t want to.


“No one can have me,” she utters.
“I don’t even have myself," he licks inside her wounds.
It’s amazing how the blood spills and spills.
Crimson beautiful, rank like meat dead nine days.
But fresh enough to never have to consume again.

The moon tells me to stop looking.
He runs to you with amorous care and devotion.
Prison seems to be more freedom than it, picture painted, is.
They always told me they hated my writing.

I don’t trust anybody.


+ + + + + + +

(i apparently wrote this on april 25, 2008)

+ t-t-t-t-t-totally wired! +

+ You Were Right+

i just realized that IT'S OK and I DON'T CARE.
(an AMAZING feeling!)

+ Inside When I Should Be Out +

There ain’t nothin’ that I need.

I don’t know
How I got
Myself
Here.

There’s a guilt,
And there’s a
Passion.
To listen to one
And not the
Other
Seems a
Crime
To me.

Why am I
And
Who am I
And
How do I
And
Where will I
And
God,
How I miss you.

I left you this very morning.
You held my tiny face in your hands
And brought these peaches so they reached yours.
I’d never heard someone mean it so much when they told me they loved me.

Nobody’s ever loved me.
Not the way I’ve dreamed of being loved.

Oh, I’ve been lusted;
I’ve been torn;
I’ve been on the tips of all your tongues.

I’m so very happy. So very, very.
All I wanna do is cry.
I wanna cry for the loss of myself in you.
I wanna cry for the way you saved me.
I wanna cry for the way you showed me how to come.
I wanna cry for the fucking pill-pop-lift&drop that eats you up each day.

I wanna eat your cancer up.
I am the flowers from your rotting body;
And
I
Will
Bloom
For
The
Memory
Of
The
Rest
Of
Your
Perfect
Life.

I vow.
I do.
I do.
I do.

+ i hope to let you go +

the reality
vs.
the fantasy
of you
is always so much less endearing.

that curve of your jaw;
how your chin is
split,
begging my tongue
to lick
its coarseness.

-- like your heart --
-- like your black, hard, soulless heart --

can't imagine
those lips you give me
are pressed on
anyone else
the way they're
pressed
onto me.

and i'll never be your choice.

so stay safe, horrid one.
stay calm and sweet
and
lie
lie
lie
to every person you encounter.
to every place you travel to.
to each cup of bitter coffee,
scalding down your throat.

to the ONE
who gets that
diamond
that you felt the need
to tell me
about.

i should've slapped your cheek
instead of
letting you
cup my face,
your fingers messing my tresses.
instead of
letting you
taste me
the very
instant
you found me
alone.

i hope
to let you go
completely
some day.
but,
for now,
all i have is
hope.

+ home +

home
is
when
i'm
alone
with
you.

+ song of solomon +

"Thou hast wounded my heart, my sister, my spouse, thou hast wounded my heart with one of thy eyes, and with one hair of thy neck."

My Sister, My Spouse - Cass McCombs

+ + + + + + + + + +

+ Mark Ryden +

All hail the king of Pop Surrealism!

+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +


DRIPS


FOUNTAIN


JUST THE GIRLS


LITTLE BOY BLUE


REDWOOD SPIRIT #1


SOPHIA'S MERCURIAL WATERS


THE ANGEL OF MEAT


THE APOLOGY


WEEPING


GHOST GIRL


GIRL IN A FUR SKIRT


+ + + + + + + + + + + +

+ ave maria +

"With such glad dreams I sought this holy place,
And now with wondering eyes and heart I stand
Before this supreme mystery of Love:
A kneeling girl with passionless pale face,
An angel with a lily in his hand,
And over both with outstretched wings the Dove."

--Oscar Wilde

+ 40 Day Dream +

Now I've been sleeping for sixty days and/
Nobody better pinch me/
Bitch I swear, go crazy/
She got jumper cable lips/
She got sunset on her breath/
I inhaled just a little bit/
Now I got no fear of death/

+ Death In Bed +

There are no instruction manuals, no
pocket book sized pamphlets complete

with diagrams and bullet lists, no
chapter devoted to proper etiquette

for initiating foreplay
with bones. I could use some advice

on what to wear: a pink negligee
or maybe just skin? Or less?

Should I worry about making death
feel at ease? Do I offer him a drink?

Gin and tonic or under the rocks,
what do you say, lover? Do I call him

lover? Turn the lights off or leave
them on? And again, the question

of foreplay. Would it be easier
if I made conversation? Come here

often, do you? Lover? Maybe
when he comes, I will just lie

still. Maybe I should ask him
if he would hold my breath.


--Saeed Jones


+ + + + + + + +




Oh give me a clue somehow
My days were so mis-spent, now
I'm wasting my time
Worrying on about you

Oh soul-less city
Your changing skyline is twisting me up
Inside - I give away another minute

+ sometimes nothing's clear at all +

"I have a vision of the opium dens of the Renaissance where the almighty lords and the stoned-out dreamers met in the darkness and exchanged a vision for humanity. I see a return of these new secret meeting places for there is a hunger and we need to share again. Mix with the unknowns, share with each other our humanity. Let downtown come uptown and let uptown come downtown. Let Courtenay Street be awash with puzzled faces. Let the lobsters out of their pots. Put the rabbit back into the pie. I have a hunger for a legal secretary of either sex who can record my dreams with their own embellishments."

--Tao Wells

+ i am not a robot +

+ i became a prostitute +

The Twillight Sad - I Became A Prostitute from TLOBF.COM on Vimeo.

+ to save, for always +

Punk On Paper - Renato Parada

+ a tribute +

“When he shall die, take him and cut him out in little stars and he will make the face of heaven so fine that all the world will be in love with night and pay no worship to the garish sun.”



+ + + + + + +

a tribute
to a thing
that made me
more
real
and
made me
question
everything i knew.

at last,
the beauty,
sweet,
was born and
came
into the world
violent
and porcelain.

tracks.
these deep frames
carved
knowledge
into her supernova tendencies.
and gifted her
such a
magnificent loneliness.

all that was left
was to be
reborn.

and when the cocoon split,
she was not a butterfly
but
a
beetle.
shiny and slick.
such a hard, hard shell
filled with the softest
insides.
and crushed
in the
whisp
of a
heartbeat.